A few months ago, I was sitting in a meeting. I had had a particularly hard day, and had decided that I was not going to go. I really didn't want to talk to anybody. I wanted to stay home. I was doing dishes and was talking to my handsome husband and my children. They reminded me that I always went and supported these meetings. I looked at their faces and knew that I should be going, I was setting an example for my girls. I went and put on a head scarf, some fun lipstick, and out the door I went.
As I walked into the meeting a few minutes late, we were told to move to the two rows of chairs that were facing each other. After we were sitting in the chairs that were facing each other, we were given a list of questions to ask the person sitting across from us. It was a classic "get to know you" game. I really wanted to bolt....people already knew who I was. I didn't want to share anything. I felt vulnerable that night.
As they started asking me questions, they were the typical get to know you questions. I thought to myself, get a grip....they just want to know what your favorite food, hobby, author, etc. is. I was asked what my favorite food was. First of all, it depends what day in my chemotherapy cycle it is to know what my favorite food was. I happened to have just had chemo. I believe I said cereal. My staple after chemotherapy. If I get some raspberries, or blueberries in it, I am pretty sure it is a healthy meal. I was then asked about my hobbies..... I really don't have any. Is having chemotherapy and recovering a hobby? I sure hope so. I have four beautiful redhead hobbies which I am thankful for. The dark headed handsome guy who runs in and out of the house I love that hobby too. I do like to read and bake but sometimes just keeping up with my to do list is all I have energy for.
I was feeling like this isn't so bad, I was starting to relax and enjoy talking to those who were there. Then the question came....... What is on your bucket list? I hadn't thought about it too much. My first reaction was I want to go to Hawaii with my family. This Summer I was able to go to Hawaii with my mom and my sister. It was lovely, relaxing, and rejuvenating. As I looked over the beautiful ocean and the majestic skies as the sun went down each night over the horizon of the ocean, I knew that I wanted to see Paul's and my children's faces as they watched the beautiful sunsets while playing in the ocean with sand between their toes. It would be a very fun, relaxing trip for a family that has been dancing their way through breast cancer for 6 years. Some of those dances are lovely and smooth and some of those dances we are stepping on each others feet, and feeling like we don't want to dance anymore.
What is on my bucket list? I want to see my children become who they are meant to be, I want to make sure we teach them the Gospel, that they may have strong testimonies and strong desires to choose what is right, that we may be all together for all eternity. I want them to know that Heavenly Father knows and loves them and answers prayers, I want them to be aware of the many miracles we have seen and continue to see. I have been sent such valiant and amazing children with such strong spirits. I am thankful for that gift I've been given. I want to watch them when their eyes sparkle when all their dreams come true.
I am going to keep the hope of seeing their faces as the sun sets across the sparkling blue ocean as waves wash in with the tide.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Happy Leap Year Anniversary
Yesterday was a "red letter" day. It was filled with all the emotions one could have. It was on Leap Day 2012, that I was re-diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer. February 29 hasn't been on the calendar since the day I was sitting in Dr. Faux's medical office in Logan with the news that my x-ray had shown that there were signs of cancer in my bones. We were not expecting that news. We were told that I had a complete response. Dr. Sinaga ,in Ohio, felt like I would not have a reoccurrence, assuring us that our cancer days were in the past. Dr. Sinaga was a lovely oncologist and I am thankful that we found her in Ohio. We choose the most aggressive treatments together. She was supportive and kind as we had our first experience with breast cancer. As Paul and I were leaving the Logan Hospital in tears, it felt as if our whole world was once again turning upside down. My first thought was how were my children going to make it through this diagnosis. They had just stopped worrying about me. This was more serious. I felt like I was going to break their hearts one by one.
As we got into our car, I immediately called Dr. Buys at the Huntsman. Her staff asked if I could be at the Huntsman at 2:00. I, of course said yes. It was already noon and I hadn't even thought through what we needed to do before we made our way to Salt Lake City. I called my favorite savvy sister and she gathered my two youngest at their elementary school. Paul and I went out to the middle schools to get the others. As soon as they saw their dad in the hallway crying, they knew what was going on. I had been in so much pain and they knew we were seeing Dr. Faux. We met savvy sister at our townhouse. While she made the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, we were grabbing a few necessities. We were on our way to the Huntsman in a matter of minutes.
I do believe that our van had wings that day. We have never made a more peaceful or faster trip to the Huntsman. When we got there, a few of my family members were waiting for us so they could be with the kids as Paul and I met with Dr. Buys and a sweet counselor. My mom and dad were there. My little brother Greg was there with a lot of $1 bills...I was told yesterday. Apparently, he was buying my children whatever their little hearts desired out of the vending machine. My brother Alex showed up with his funny jokes. When Paul and I finally walked out of the office, we were both embraced with hugs and comfort. We couldn't talk much but knew we were supported and loved. We spent three days in Salt Lake while my mom and siblings rallied around our family as we developed a new plan of chemotherapy and scans.
Yesterday, I tried to keep busy. I was thinking about all the miracles our family has seen in the last 4 years. We have been blessed with so many. As I thought about every gift, my heart felt grateful for what we have been able to experience. For the many angels who served and continue to serve our family. For the gift of prayer and faith. I was holding it all together remembering the good part of our cancer journey.
As my children came home from school yesterday, I was thankful that I was the one picking them up and greeting them as they walked in the door. We had another lovely dinner delivered last night. I was sitting at the table with my children. We were talking about their memories of the last leap year. Paul was out feeding the cows and the children and I were just starting to eat dinner. I expected Paul to be a little later. It is calving season. Many times he is longer than he thinks he will be. Such needy ladies...(cows). When Paul walked in and I saw him in his cute carhartt overalls, I started to cry. I said, "I think I could use another memory of leap year". He agreed. He showered all the stink off of him and I got out of sweats. The children got their shoes on and we headed to Five Guys. We talked about how thankful we were as we sat around the table eating our unplanned yummy hamburgers. There were tears, laughter, and I am happy to say that another sweet memory of leap day was made.
Our teary family was sitting at the table after our meal was finished. It was late and we were getting ready to go. Our two girls and younger boy decided a bathroom visit was necessary. Our handsome red headed 16-year old boy was sitting with us and got up to get more water. He walked up to the hi-tech Coca-Cola machine. He pushed the water button..... but out of the corner of his eye, he saw a cute blonde teenage girl. Needless to say, his water cup was overflowing and he turned red as he walked back to his chair.
Paul and I smiled at each other and both said, "did you see that"? We laughed, but my heart was touched and I was again teary with another miracle. A fabulous new memory on a leap year day. Who would of thought that my 16-year old boy checking out a girl and spilling his water all over would be the miracle I needed last night. It was a reminder to me to continue to be faithful, courageous, and brave. I am thankful that I was able to witness my tender teenage boy being a normal teenager. Why wouldn't he like blonde girls? His dad liked them too ounce upon a time. I'm sure thankful that he did. I will always remember the leap year day of four years ago. I never want to replace that memory. It was and is a part of our families plan. I just have another memory for that day now that shows me how far my amazing little family has come. I am incredibly thankful for the things we have learned together, the comfort we have been given during the hard times, for the peace we feel, and those who are always there to comfort, bless, and serve us.
As we got into our car, I immediately called Dr. Buys at the Huntsman. Her staff asked if I could be at the Huntsman at 2:00. I, of course said yes. It was already noon and I hadn't even thought through what we needed to do before we made our way to Salt Lake City. I called my favorite savvy sister and she gathered my two youngest at their elementary school. Paul and I went out to the middle schools to get the others. As soon as they saw their dad in the hallway crying, they knew what was going on. I had been in so much pain and they knew we were seeing Dr. Faux. We met savvy sister at our townhouse. While she made the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, we were grabbing a few necessities. We were on our way to the Huntsman in a matter of minutes.
I do believe that our van had wings that day. We have never made a more peaceful or faster trip to the Huntsman. When we got there, a few of my family members were waiting for us so they could be with the kids as Paul and I met with Dr. Buys and a sweet counselor. My mom and dad were there. My little brother Greg was there with a lot of $1 bills...I was told yesterday. Apparently, he was buying my children whatever their little hearts desired out of the vending machine. My brother Alex showed up with his funny jokes. When Paul and I finally walked out of the office, we were both embraced with hugs and comfort. We couldn't talk much but knew we were supported and loved. We spent three days in Salt Lake while my mom and siblings rallied around our family as we developed a new plan of chemotherapy and scans.
Yesterday, I tried to keep busy. I was thinking about all the miracles our family has seen in the last 4 years. We have been blessed with so many. As I thought about every gift, my heart felt grateful for what we have been able to experience. For the many angels who served and continue to serve our family. For the gift of prayer and faith. I was holding it all together remembering the good part of our cancer journey.
As my children came home from school yesterday, I was thankful that I was the one picking them up and greeting them as they walked in the door. We had another lovely dinner delivered last night. I was sitting at the table with my children. We were talking about their memories of the last leap year. Paul was out feeding the cows and the children and I were just starting to eat dinner. I expected Paul to be a little later. It is calving season. Many times he is longer than he thinks he will be. Such needy ladies...(cows). When Paul walked in and I saw him in his cute carhartt overalls, I started to cry. I said, "I think I could use another memory of leap year". He agreed. He showered all the stink off of him and I got out of sweats. The children got their shoes on and we headed to Five Guys. We talked about how thankful we were as we sat around the table eating our unplanned yummy hamburgers. There were tears, laughter, and I am happy to say that another sweet memory of leap day was made.
Our teary family was sitting at the table after our meal was finished. It was late and we were getting ready to go. Our two girls and younger boy decided a bathroom visit was necessary. Our handsome red headed 16-year old boy was sitting with us and got up to get more water. He walked up to the hi-tech Coca-Cola machine. He pushed the water button..... but out of the corner of his eye, he saw a cute blonde teenage girl. Needless to say, his water cup was overflowing and he turned red as he walked back to his chair.
Paul and I smiled at each other and both said, "did you see that"? We laughed, but my heart was touched and I was again teary with another miracle. A fabulous new memory on a leap year day. Who would of thought that my 16-year old boy checking out a girl and spilling his water all over would be the miracle I needed last night. It was a reminder to me to continue to be faithful, courageous, and brave. I am thankful that I was able to witness my tender teenage boy being a normal teenager. Why wouldn't he like blonde girls? His dad liked them too ounce upon a time. I'm sure thankful that he did. I will always remember the leap year day of four years ago. I never want to replace that memory. It was and is a part of our families plan. I just have another memory for that day now that shows me how far my amazing little family has come. I am incredibly thankful for the things we have learned together, the comfort we have been given during the hard times, for the peace we feel, and those who are always there to comfort, bless, and serve us.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
GRATEFUL
I am so grateful for the Christmas Season. I was so excited when I found out the children had an entire two weeks before Christmas at home. I love celebrating the birth of the Savior. It is truly a magical time. Our home feels more peaceful as we hustle and bustle to get ready for Christmas Day. We break out bright Christmas puzzles and Christmas movies. Pandora plays all types of Christmas music from Fred Astaire to Jack Jackson.... we love it all. My Handsome Husband added a new tradition this year. We had our first designated baking day. We spent all day making several different Christmas cookies and candies. It was so delightful and delicious..,,,we had to taste it all to make sure it is okay to pass on. We had fun with the other traditions that we do each year too. It was so fun to have everybody at home without work schedules, school schedules, activities, and most of all NO HOMEWORK!
Christmas is a season of miracles. I am so grateful for the miracles that my family and I have been blessed with during this Christmas season. I haven't been able to find sufficient words to explain just how my grateful heart feels.
On an evening close to Christmas, Lindsey and Olivia were working on a puzzle, Brock and Handsome Husband were downstairs lifting weights and Reid and I were deciding on a movie. I believe Elf won again. Reid and were all cozy and ready for the movie to start. As Buddy the Elf started his trek to New York City and said goodbye to Mr. Norwall, our doorbell rang. The quite house was surprised and all of the children ran to the door. After the door was opened, we found a beautiful yellow metal basket. As we unwrapped the yellow basket we found all things our family loves. We found adorable head beanies which we have loved wearing. We found Alex & Ani bracelets that made hearts happy. We found itunes gift cards, movie certificates, and a gift card to a very fun restaurant. A toy for Reid that he adores. We also found a ham, beautiful potatoes and fresh green beans. Our Christmas dinner was delivered right on our doorstep. As I do every year, I had worn myself out. Oh how I wish I wouldn't tire so easily. This gift on a cold winter night so close to Christmas day reminded me that we are not only loved and watched over by people who love us, but by our Heavenly Father who shows his love through others hands. Thank you to the hands who reminded my of what Christmas really means.
As if that was not enough, I was blessed with another Christmas miracle. As she usually does, my mom asked everybody for their Christmas lists. Handsome Husband has an amazing Christmas list.....three pages of what he wants for Christmas. His # 1 wish is always a cure for cancer. I'm right there with you Handsome. This year I thought I would put some wishful dreamy items on my list as well. I wanted a new wig and had been talking about having tatooed eyebrows. I have been stenciling on eyebrows for a long time. I knew I would have to wait to get a wig and figured that tatooed eyebrows were just a dream.
It was getting close to Christmas and I was running around and clicking Amazon purchase buttons trying to get everything wrapped up before my excited children were out of school. My sweet mom would say, let me come help you. She had been traveling and working hard, as usual, and I would just smile and say "I'm sure you are just as busy as I am getting all your shopping done. I would talk to my siblings about what they were getting for others and they all had it all done. I remember thinking, wow! My amazing mom and siblings were on the ball this year with their Christmas shopping. Little did I know, they were not shopping at all. During Thanksgiving, when we were all together in a beautiful Park City home, she came up with the most tender and sweet idea. She and my siblings and a very special mother-in-law of my little brother Greg, decided to not buy gifts for each other for Christmas. Their plan was that they were going to all buy me a beautiful wig and tatooed eyebrows. I never did catch on that they weren't shopping for each other. Everyone seemed busy in the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas.
It was our year to spend Christmas with Handsome Husband's family. We had our Christmas Day with our little family. It was a relaxing day and a few of us enjoyed a Christmas slumber which is also known as a nap. On Saturday, we spent the morning and afternoon with family in Logan.
After spending time in Logan on Saturday, we drove to Herriman that evening. On Sunday my mom was having a Christmas Dinner for all my family. She said that it was time to open presents. I assumed that they all opened their gifts on Christmas Day as their were just our presents under her beautiful flocked tree with green and red shiny ornaments on it. The children opened their gifts. They opened fun cozy minky blankets that matched each of their personalities. Handsome was then given his gift. He opened noise blocking headphones. He could now travel to and from work without be woken up by snoring form other passengers. What a delight! Then came my present...... I opened a beautiful Christmas card that was attached to the lovely wrapped box. I was reminded that I was strong, that I was beautiful, and an example, but most of all I was loved by all of them. My heart stopped and tears began to flow as I read the card feeling all the love they had for me. I opened the box and inside was the wig I had been looking at for months, and a beautiful homemade poster telling me that I was getting tattooed eyebrows. They sacrificed their gifts to purchase these "wished" for items for me. I had no words. Thank you did not seem enough. My heart was so tender and tears kept flowing. They all said it was the best Christmas ever for them. It reminded me of the Savior and his sacrifice for all of us. What an amazing family I have. As they were preparing Christmas, they were doing as the Savior would do. The understood the true meaning of Christmas. It isn't about all the gifts, It is about the celebration of the Saviors birth. What an example they are to me. I am so Grateful for their sacrifice. For giving me the opportunity to feel their love and the support that they all give me as I continue my cancer journey.
Last week, I went to get my eyebrows tatooed. I was a little nervous. A tatoo.... I didn't know what to expect. Their was a lovely, beautiful girl that came out of a little room that put some numbing cream on my eyebrows and I felt peace. I didn't know that her appointment after me had been cancelled. She was halfway done tatooing my eyebrows and asked me a simple question. I answered and she asked if I would like tatooed eyeliner or lips. She wanted to give me another service for free. Again, I started tearing up and felt like thank you was not enough. She spent four precious hours with me tatooing my eyebrows and eyeliner. A sweet angel I had never spoke to or knew.
My heart is full of gratitude to those who made so many Christmas miracles happen. This little thing called cancer is not easy. It makes me tired, and sad that I cannot do all that I want to do in a day. But as this Christmas season came and went, I could feel the love from our Heavenly Father. He knows all of us and even knows what our trial in this life. He puts people in our lives to be his hands.
I was also reminded how much the Savior sacrificed for us. My family is the perfect example of being willing to sacrifice on my behalf. I can feel their love. I still do not have adequate words of thankfulness, but every time I look in the mirror and see my beautiful eyebrows and walk out of the house with my "only in my dreams" wig on, I will feel their love all around me. Their support and their hearts will always be with me.
Christmas is a season of miracles. I am so grateful for the miracles that my family and I have been blessed with during this Christmas season. I haven't been able to find sufficient words to explain just how my grateful heart feels.
On an evening close to Christmas, Lindsey and Olivia were working on a puzzle, Brock and Handsome Husband were downstairs lifting weights and Reid and I were deciding on a movie. I believe Elf won again. Reid and were all cozy and ready for the movie to start. As Buddy the Elf started his trek to New York City and said goodbye to Mr. Norwall, our doorbell rang. The quite house was surprised and all of the children ran to the door. After the door was opened, we found a beautiful yellow metal basket. As we unwrapped the yellow basket we found all things our family loves. We found adorable head beanies which we have loved wearing. We found Alex & Ani bracelets that made hearts happy. We found itunes gift cards, movie certificates, and a gift card to a very fun restaurant. A toy for Reid that he adores. We also found a ham, beautiful potatoes and fresh green beans. Our Christmas dinner was delivered right on our doorstep. As I do every year, I had worn myself out. Oh how I wish I wouldn't tire so easily. This gift on a cold winter night so close to Christmas day reminded me that we are not only loved and watched over by people who love us, but by our Heavenly Father who shows his love through others hands. Thank you to the hands who reminded my of what Christmas really means.
As if that was not enough, I was blessed with another Christmas miracle. As she usually does, my mom asked everybody for their Christmas lists. Handsome Husband has an amazing Christmas list.....three pages of what he wants for Christmas. His # 1 wish is always a cure for cancer. I'm right there with you Handsome. This year I thought I would put some wishful dreamy items on my list as well. I wanted a new wig and had been talking about having tatooed eyebrows. I have been stenciling on eyebrows for a long time. I knew I would have to wait to get a wig and figured that tatooed eyebrows were just a dream.
It was getting close to Christmas and I was running around and clicking Amazon purchase buttons trying to get everything wrapped up before my excited children were out of school. My sweet mom would say, let me come help you. She had been traveling and working hard, as usual, and I would just smile and say "I'm sure you are just as busy as I am getting all your shopping done. I would talk to my siblings about what they were getting for others and they all had it all done. I remember thinking, wow! My amazing mom and siblings were on the ball this year with their Christmas shopping. Little did I know, they were not shopping at all. During Thanksgiving, when we were all together in a beautiful Park City home, she came up with the most tender and sweet idea. She and my siblings and a very special mother-in-law of my little brother Greg, decided to not buy gifts for each other for Christmas. Their plan was that they were going to all buy me a beautiful wig and tatooed eyebrows. I never did catch on that they weren't shopping for each other. Everyone seemed busy in the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas.
It was our year to spend Christmas with Handsome Husband's family. We had our Christmas Day with our little family. It was a relaxing day and a few of us enjoyed a Christmas slumber which is also known as a nap. On Saturday, we spent the morning and afternoon with family in Logan.
After spending time in Logan on Saturday, we drove to Herriman that evening. On Sunday my mom was having a Christmas Dinner for all my family. She said that it was time to open presents. I assumed that they all opened their gifts on Christmas Day as their were just our presents under her beautiful flocked tree with green and red shiny ornaments on it. The children opened their gifts. They opened fun cozy minky blankets that matched each of their personalities. Handsome was then given his gift. He opened noise blocking headphones. He could now travel to and from work without be woken up by snoring form other passengers. What a delight! Then came my present...... I opened a beautiful Christmas card that was attached to the lovely wrapped box. I was reminded that I was strong, that I was beautiful, and an example, but most of all I was loved by all of them. My heart stopped and tears began to flow as I read the card feeling all the love they had for me. I opened the box and inside was the wig I had been looking at for months, and a beautiful homemade poster telling me that I was getting tattooed eyebrows. They sacrificed their gifts to purchase these "wished" for items for me. I had no words. Thank you did not seem enough. My heart was so tender and tears kept flowing. They all said it was the best Christmas ever for them. It reminded me of the Savior and his sacrifice for all of us. What an amazing family I have. As they were preparing Christmas, they were doing as the Savior would do. The understood the true meaning of Christmas. It isn't about all the gifts, It is about the celebration of the Saviors birth. What an example they are to me. I am so Grateful for their sacrifice. For giving me the opportunity to feel their love and the support that they all give me as I continue my cancer journey.
Last week, I went to get my eyebrows tatooed. I was a little nervous. A tatoo.... I didn't know what to expect. Their was a lovely, beautiful girl that came out of a little room that put some numbing cream on my eyebrows and I felt peace. I didn't know that her appointment after me had been cancelled. She was halfway done tatooing my eyebrows and asked me a simple question. I answered and she asked if I would like tatooed eyeliner or lips. She wanted to give me another service for free. Again, I started tearing up and felt like thank you was not enough. She spent four precious hours with me tatooing my eyebrows and eyeliner. A sweet angel I had never spoke to or knew.
My heart is full of gratitude to those who made so many Christmas miracles happen. This little thing called cancer is not easy. It makes me tired, and sad that I cannot do all that I want to do in a day. But as this Christmas season came and went, I could feel the love from our Heavenly Father. He knows all of us and even knows what our trial in this life. He puts people in our lives to be his hands.
I was also reminded how much the Savior sacrificed for us. My family is the perfect example of being willing to sacrifice on my behalf. I can feel their love. I still do not have adequate words of thankfulness, but every time I look in the mirror and see my beautiful eyebrows and walk out of the house with my "only in my dreams" wig on, I will feel their love all around me. Their support and their hearts will always be with me.
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