Merry and Bright

Sometimes we forget to look around and see all the happiness we have in our lives. Often we forget to share our light.  In reality, we all have so much to be thankful for.

 I had chemotherapy last week. I have chemotherapy treatments every 4 weeks.  This is fantastic!  It gives me three whole weeks feeling somewhat normal and functional. I was sitting in the chair all hooked up and could feel the coldness as the saline and medicine rushed into my veins.  I started thinking about our last few Christmas celebrations.  I found myself not being able to remember a lot of details.  In 2012, my brain was still recovering from whole brain radiation.  In 2013, I was having chemotherapy every 2 weeks.  I had a  serious case of chemo brain. It felt so foggy and it was hard to focus.   It bothered me.  I remembered a little here and there.  I wondered if my children noticed by mental absence.  I can go through motions, pretend I'm feeling great and just keep going.  Buy when if comes to remembering, I just can't come up with details.  The special times we had together and the conversations we had about Christ and his birth are what I want to remember.  

This year, I feel so much better mentally and physically.  I don't feel the burden of the unknown with the question that every stage 4 cancer patient has.  When will this drug stop working?  What will be next?  What happens when we can't find another solution?  How are we going to financially do this again? This year I have been more focused on finding peace and making this little thing called cancer allow me to become who our Heavenly Father knows I can be.  Only he knows my plan.  I am okay with that now.  I have so much more faith and peace then I have ever had.  I hope that my children will see what faith and prayer can do.  Miracles present themselves in so many ways.

Yesterday I got a call.  Our family had been nominated to have our house decorated with Christmas lights from a local business called Christmas Decor.  We were chosen.  Tears flowed as I was trying to make appointments for them to come take a look at our house and make necessary plans.  They will be back next Wednesday.  I think our house may look like the "Griswalds". How exciting is that!  Hopefully Uncle Eddie will not show up in is RV. I told the children last night and they were so excited.  Thank you to the people who nominated our family for such a special Christmas season.

It is fun to be out and about in the Holiday bustle.  But we need to remember what the first gift of Christmas was.  It was Christ our Savior.  For that I will be eternally thankful for.

As we make memories with those we love this Holiday Season, let's make sure we treasure them.  May we make the season Merry and Bright for those whom we associate with. Someone special has made our holiday Bright.  For this I am grateful. I will always remember this special Christmas.

The Day Our World Stopped

I will never forget where I was, what I was wearing, or what I was doing on the day our world stopped.  Five years ago today, I had such great plans.  We lived in Ohio.  Reid was three and I had a 6 week old baby that I was watching for a few weeks.  I packed up the children and went to Sams Club.  We needed new silverware for Thanksgiving Dinner.  My parents and two of my brothers were coming from Utah.  Paul met me  at Sams Club for a delicious hot dog lunch.  I even dripped some mustard on my black cords.  He helped me out to the van with the groceries and children.  I kissed him good bye.  On my way home, I stopped to look at fabric for a Christmas quilt we were trying to finish up.  As I was walking around the busy store with a hungry baby and a bored three year old, my pink flip phone rang.  I didn't look to see who it was.  I just answered it.  We were making so much noise, the phone was just an added decimal level.  It was my Doctor.  She obviously was lacking the sensitivity of such big news.  Could she not hear my children crying or the sounds of a very busy store?  I was looking at fabric that portrayed a peaceful barn and red birds and fresh fallen snow.  A perfect print for the recipient of the quilt.  She blurted out, "I just got your pathology report back. You have breast cancer."  I remember looking around the store at the long line of people needing fabric cut, the smiling faces, the anticipation of beautiful Christmas gifts.  Here I was with crying kids and my world had just come to a screeching halt.  I got in that long line to cut the fabric. I felt dizzy, numb, and I wanted to throw up.  I believe the fabric cutter asked me a time or two what I needed, I finally was able to say a fourth of a yard please.  I got to the register which had yet another long line.  I paid for the fabric and out the door I ran.  I got children in the car and called Paul. I was a mess.  I have never had such a feeling of hopelessness.  So many questions that I didn't think to ask the ill mannered Doctor before I hung up the phone.  I then called my mom.  She was in shock and offered her calm voice.  I remember her saying, " Mind, we will figure this out." Go home Paul will be there.  I don't remember driving home.  Just as my mom said, Paul drove in right behind me.  We just sat and cried.  We had so many more questions.  We called the Doctor again and got more details.  Who knew that there were so many types of breast cancer?  So much medical terminology.  That night I will never forget.  We received encouraging and tender calls from our families and friends. I am sure neither of us slept much.

Our work was cut out for us. It was a time of prayer. We took several weeks to line up the Doctors that would be part of our team.  We went to many appointments until we felt like we had the team for us.  It all happened so fast after that.  I had a port placed and quickly started chemotherapy.

We made it through the chemotherapy.  We made it through an incredibly difficult surgery and reconstruction. We were told we had a complete response. That the probability of the cancer returning was nearly non-existent.  We were given such hope, confidence, and ready to jump off the cancer freeway at the very next exit.

We took the wrong exit.  I was off my maintenance drug for 14 months. In February of 2012, we found cancer in my bones,liver, and lungs.  Although we understood all things about cancer, it was still very hard to be diagnosed....again.  I knew this diagnosis was much more serious.  I heard the word Stage 4 and terminal.  This broke my heart and as I sat in the chair with Paul, I felt his heart breaking as well.  Again, I had fear, sadness, and uncertainty as I thought about our future.

Today, as I have been remembering all that has happened in the last five years, I feel peace.  I have been able to replace my fears with faith.  I have been able to replace my sadness and broken heart with love.  I have been able to place my uncertainty with the future.  I have relied on my Heavenly Father.  He knows what is best for me.  He is there.  I feel him. I feel the love he has for me and my family.  I see the many miracles that continue to come into my life.  The gifts from the angels that live all around me.  I am thankful for the peace that I can feel.

I am so thankful for all of you that have joined our journey.  For the prayers and fasting on our behalf.  The many meals that you have shared.  For the encouraging words and endless support.  I love having so many friends near and far.  How truly blessed I am to have all of you on my team. For the tenderness and the examples of service you have shown our children.  

Thank you for joining us in "Our Dance."  

Ready To Fly

We have been having many conversations about the "C" word in our home the last several weeks.  Yep, "College".  How in the world did our beautiful baby girl turn into a beautiful High School Senior?  What happened to my little girl who loved singing nursery rhymes?   We would spend hours singing these little rhymes.  All I would have to do is say the first sentence and she would finish.  She had three years to be our only child.  We had a lot of fun with her.  She has had Paul wrapped around her finger from day one.  She truly is amazing.  She has been such a gift to have in our home.  And now she is on her way wanting to fly on her own.  I'm not sure I'm ready to watch that first flight.  I watched the hawks in the fields this Summer.  I noticed when the babies were by the mother birds.  The mamas would show them how to fly, how to get their dinner, and how to return back up to the wire to sit by their family again.  Did these mother hawks have a knot in their throat too?  I bet they did, just as I have one in mine.   She should fly, its the next step in her life.  She is ready, we have taught her all she needs to know.  I hope we have done as good of job of those mother hawks I watched so carefully.

I think back to the day Paul and I brought her home.  We were so young. He helped my mom and I get her into the car seat and made sure I was doing well.  My mom and I drove Lindsey to our little apartment and Paul went to take a test at the University.   It was the first real snow storm in Logan that year.  It was quite and beautiful. I remember looking out the window wondering what was ahead for our little family.  I was thankful, nervous, hopeful, and not sure what to do with my new angel sent to our home.  We loved her, read to her, and made sure she felt safe.  We have moved across this country several times.  She has made amazing friends in Georgia.  She  was there for 8 years.  She only wishes she would have picked up that Southern drawl.  We took her to Ohio.  Again, wonderful friends who have supported her and our family.  We treasure these friendships and love our friends that we have met along the way.  She has been through a lot.  A mom with cancer, new friends, new schools, and new homes.  She has done remarkably well.  How is she so brave?  Does she know how proud we are of her and the determination and kindness she shows?  I sure hope so.

As I got my second cancer diagnosis my heart felt it was breaking in a million little pieces.  All I could think of is not being with my children when they were ready to fly.  Who was going to make sure they were really ready to go?  Who would be on the power line with her?  Would Paul have this responsibility all to himself?  I made a promise to myself that I would be there with all my children.  I am grateful that I am the mother hawk with a beautiful girl on my side standing on the wire with her as she prepares to fly. 

True Cancer Warrior

Last Spring I was asked to contact a patient who was also fighting her battle with breast cancer.  She had a complete different type of breast cancer than I have.  Her chemo had stopped working.  She was in and out of the Dr. office trying to find something that would work for her type of cancer.  She was willing to try anything. She was brave, kind, and in love with her children and husband.  I last heard from her at the end of June.  Last week I was wondering what happened to this dear sweet women.  

I googled her name and my heart broke into little pieces.  There was her picture and life story.  She was absolutely beautiful.  Her eyes full of love and light. Her battle is over. She fought such an incredible fight.  Having faith all the way to the end that something may work for her body to rid itself from those naughty cancer cells.

I think about her often.  I am quite sure she is with her family everyday.  Watching, interfering, and helping as all mothers will do.

It has been a renewing of perspective.  What really matters?  I feel like tucking in my 8 year old and piling his friends named Dots, Dino, Cat in the hat, and Sleep monkey under his arms and wrapping them all tight with his blanket named blue is a privilege.  I'm thankful for my 11 year old beauty who still wants a kiss and hug before bed each night.  Before I leave her room, I sometimes get another little thought of hers in the quite darkness and I walk out even more in love with her.  I love that my teenage boy will make time to talk to me.  That he will come lay down by me and talk about life and all the opportunities he has in his life and what he wants to do with them.  I have been blessed with a beautiful young women.  She is such an example to me.  She works hard, is caring about others. I love waiting up for her when she is out and how she shares so much of herself with me.  

 I love my husband.  His hard work, the support he gives to all of us, and most of all his tender heart.  

I also have such amazing family friends. This is what life is really about, relationships.  It's not facebook, instagram, pinterest, and running here and there with kids and parents overwhelmed.  I love the quiet times when we gather at the end of each day.  If the laundry is not done, and the house is still not decorated  how I want it (a year later) really does not matter.  

Love Matters.  May the family of this true cancer warrior find peace.  May they stay close and find hope in what lays ahead.  A place where their wife and mother will not be in pain.   Where she will be able to do whatever her heart desires. And in the meantime, may they be able to feel her with them.

Fiesta Angels

Friday was my special day, "Chemo Day".  I call them special because I am really good at getting chemo infused into my body.  Never has my blood count been too low. These blood tests I always pass.  I don't even need to study.  This is a good thing, I talked my way through school.  Yes, I have been called a butterfly a time or two.  Blessing or curse?  I am going with blessing.

I was not feeling well on Saturday.  I would have loved to stay in bed all day.  Although, when I do that, I end up a little "blue".  My sweet mom was here.  She had some errands to run at the mall.  Olivia was going with her.  My boys were with their dad at his "hobby" cattle farm.  I had no reason not to get up and get dressed and spend some time with my mom and my adorable Olivia.  As we were finishing up her errands, I saw the new store that opened in our little small town mall. I found a few cute dresses for Olivia that we just couldn't pass up.  They were actually cute and long enough for her and on SALE.  Yeah!  While in line to check out, I noticed all the Fiesta Ware they had in stock.  I was distracted and wandered over to the table where it was all displayed.  I was admiring the tumblers with all their bold stripes that would match my Fiesta colors so well.  I put them down and walked away.  

On Monday, as I was driving home, my neighbor waved me down.  He said,"I have a package that someone dropped off for you.  They got the wrong house."  It was a heavy box. I was perplexed as to what this could be and from whom?  The box was wrapped and had writing on it that said,"To: Mindy M".  I walked in the kitchen and  tore it open.  To my surprise, there were 9 Fiesta Tumblers with all their perfectly striped stripes staring back at me.  I was teary.  I do not know who delivered exactly what my heart  needed that day. I call them Fiesta Fairies who made a really hard, yucky chemo weekend so much sweeter.

Keepin' It Lite

I love Friday afternoons.  I always have.  I remember leaving the high school parking lot with my early 90's hair.  It was permed, hair-sprayed, and very big hair. Yes, I had hair....lots of it.  I got in my little black and pink pinstriped pontiac fiero and raced out of there.  Literally.  With a smile on my face and my hair in the wind. I had no cares in the world.  I am quite certain I had White Snake or Def Leppard blaring.  Speakers in the head rest.  Brilliant!!!  I loved my set of wheels.

Today I noticed that when each of my children walked through our door, they had smiles on their faces.  They threw their backpacks down, and sat up for a snack. They always have so much to say on Friday afternoons.  They are relaxed and we laugh and share stories.

As I was going through Reid's homework folder, I saw the paragraph that he had been working on at school all week.  It goes like this:

Cats
By Reid Marchant

You will learn about cats.  Lets get started.  Some cats can be dumb.  They like to chase dragonflies.  You can throw kittens like a football.  Some cats can be little devils like some one I know had to throw one off of him.  Now you know about cats.

We were in the kitchen reading this paragraph.  We were all laughing so hard and he had so much to say about his dislike for cats.  We were all nearly crying.....  I love having children who share and make our home fun.  For a moment, I was that teenager with the wind through my hair listening to Def Leppard with not a care in the world.

Chutes and Ladders

We all remember the favorite childhood game Chutes and Ladders.  I remember playing it with my siblings and then again with my own children.  I was asked to email another young mom with breast cancer.  As I was thinking how to relate cancer to our lives, this game kept coming to mind.  

Just like the little people who we move on the game board, we are all wanting to move ahead.  We all have plans, we are all searching for the best way to climb our "ladders".  We are busy making choices everyday about how we spend our time.  We care for our children, husbands, our loved ones.  We have dreams for our future.  Often times, just when we are stretching to grasp that very last step on the ladder, we are dealt a shiny little card that says, "not this time", and we spiral down the chute.  

I relate to this game.  Having metastatic breast cancer is a lot like chutes and ladders.  Most times I am doing well.  I am climbing my ladder and my chemotherapy drugs are working.  I am getting sleep and home life is running somewhat normal......our "new"normal.  And then, B-A-M, just like that, you have a scan that shows new growth, or my cancer antigen numbers are rising and we can not figure out why.  And now, I  am falling down that darn chute again.

I don't feel like this only relates to cancer.  I love the quote, "Be kind,everyone you meet is facing a battle." Perhaps, I am the lucky one.   My battle is  easy for others to see.  With my head scarves, my wigs, and when I feel really brave, my little bald head.

Let us be sure to be kind to everyone today as we are all climbing up our ladders.  Most importantly, let us catch those who are on their way down their chute. 

Pioneer

I've been thinking about the Summer that our family just shared.  The word pioneer has been on my mind so much.  Our Summer came and went so quickly, as most summers do.  This summer was so busy and full of many lessons.  

I had a birthday this summer, on pioneer day.  To me this is a gift. I am a pioneer with a new breast cancer drug that it working so well to fight off those nasty cancer cells.  I just wish I wasn't so darn tired at 8:00 every single night.  I am continually trying to be brave and courageous. Mostly, I just want to be enchanting. 

Paul, Lindsey, and Brock truly did have a pioneer experience.  They had the opportunity of actually going on Trek with our Ward this Summer.  There was a lot of grumbling from our teenagers,  and hours of conversations about why they had to go.  They felt like they have their own hardships, why would they dress up and pretend they were pioneers.  They would say, mom, those pioneers didn't have it easy, but neither do we.  We have to face things those early pioneers couldn't even dream about.  I understand their plea....I've seen the halls at their schools, I have heard the songs on the radio, I have seen the advertisements that are in front of them every single day.  I also understand that as we fight together as I go through breast cancer, it can sometimes feel lonely and scary for them.  

They were assigned a name of a pioneer to walk for.  They were able to learn about their history, where they were from, their family dynamics and how they felt as they crossed those bitterly cold plains without enough food, clothing, or supplies. They had a new perspective as they were on the same trail and shared their stories with the others in the group.  

I am just so sad that I could not be their to watch.  I had every intention of going.  Why shouldn't I?  As time came closer, I understood why.  Those long hot days would not be good for me.  I didn't want to risk my health and the rest of my summer with my family.    It broke my heart that I could not be their with Paul and my children.  I know that they had their testimonies strengthened.  For that, I am thankful

Olivia is in a new school.  Pioneering her way through new teachers, friends, and classrooms.  Her days start early and she gets up and ready without  complaining.....she truly is a little fighter.  She makes things work and isn't afraid to change them if they aren't. 

Reid is getting baptized Saturday. I am grateful for the opportunity to be here with him to witness it.  Another tender mercy that I have been given.  He is so strong and confident.  I know he will be a pioneer as he grows.  He is such a teacher of goodness even at this young age.

 We are all pioneers as we are thrown into situations that we aren't sure about.  But just as the early pioneers who came across those dusty treacherous plains, we have angels watching over and helping us. We are never alone.