The Day Our World Stopped

I will never forget where I was, what I was wearing, or what I was doing on the day our world stopped.  Five years ago today, I had such great plans.  We lived in Ohio.  Reid was three and I had a 6 week old baby that I was watching for a few weeks.  I packed up the children and went to Sams Club.  We needed new silverware for Thanksgiving Dinner.  My parents and two of my brothers were coming from Utah.  Paul met me  at Sams Club for a delicious hot dog lunch.  I even dripped some mustard on my black cords.  He helped me out to the van with the groceries and children.  I kissed him good bye.  On my way home, I stopped to look at fabric for a Christmas quilt we were trying to finish up.  As I was walking around the busy store with a hungry baby and a bored three year old, my pink flip phone rang.  I didn't look to see who it was.  I just answered it.  We were making so much noise, the phone was just an added decimal level.  It was my Doctor.  She obviously was lacking the sensitivity of such big news.  Could she not hear my children crying or the sounds of a very busy store?  I was looking at fabric that portrayed a peaceful barn and red birds and fresh fallen snow.  A perfect print for the recipient of the quilt.  She blurted out, "I just got your pathology report back. You have breast cancer."  I remember looking around the store at the long line of people needing fabric cut, the smiling faces, the anticipation of beautiful Christmas gifts.  Here I was with crying kids and my world had just come to a screeching halt.  I got in that long line to cut the fabric. I felt dizzy, numb, and I wanted to throw up.  I believe the fabric cutter asked me a time or two what I needed, I finally was able to say a fourth of a yard please.  I got to the register which had yet another long line.  I paid for the fabric and out the door I ran.  I got children in the car and called Paul. I was a mess.  I have never had such a feeling of hopelessness.  So many questions that I didn't think to ask the ill mannered Doctor before I hung up the phone.  I then called my mom.  She was in shock and offered her calm voice.  I remember her saying, " Mind, we will figure this out." Go home Paul will be there.  I don't remember driving home.  Just as my mom said, Paul drove in right behind me.  We just sat and cried.  We had so many more questions.  We called the Doctor again and got more details.  Who knew that there were so many types of breast cancer?  So much medical terminology.  That night I will never forget.  We received encouraging and tender calls from our families and friends. I am sure neither of us slept much.

Our work was cut out for us. It was a time of prayer. We took several weeks to line up the Doctors that would be part of our team.  We went to many appointments until we felt like we had the team for us.  It all happened so fast after that.  I had a port placed and quickly started chemotherapy.

We made it through the chemotherapy.  We made it through an incredibly difficult surgery and reconstruction. We were told we had a complete response. That the probability of the cancer returning was nearly non-existent.  We were given such hope, confidence, and ready to jump off the cancer freeway at the very next exit.

We took the wrong exit.  I was off my maintenance drug for 14 months. In February of 2012, we found cancer in my bones,liver, and lungs.  Although we understood all things about cancer, it was still very hard to be diagnosed....again.  I knew this diagnosis was much more serious.  I heard the word Stage 4 and terminal.  This broke my heart and as I sat in the chair with Paul, I felt his heart breaking as well.  Again, I had fear, sadness, and uncertainty as I thought about our future.

Today, as I have been remembering all that has happened in the last five years, I feel peace.  I have been able to replace my fears with faith.  I have been able to replace my sadness and broken heart with love.  I have been able to place my uncertainty with the future.  I have relied on my Heavenly Father.  He knows what is best for me.  He is there.  I feel him. I feel the love he has for me and my family.  I see the many miracles that continue to come into my life.  The gifts from the angels that live all around me.  I am thankful for the peace that I can feel.

I am so thankful for all of you that have joined our journey.  For the prayers and fasting on our behalf.  The many meals that you have shared.  For the encouraging words and endless support.  I love having so many friends near and far.  How truly blessed I am to have all of you on my team. For the tenderness and the examples of service you have shown our children.  

Thank you for joining us in "Our Dance."