The Day Our World Stopped

I will never forget where I was, what I was wearing, or what I was doing on the day our world stopped.  Five years ago today, I had such great plans.  We lived in Ohio.  Reid was three and I had a 6 week old baby that I was watching for a few weeks.  I packed up the children and went to Sams Club.  We needed new silverware for Thanksgiving Dinner.  My parents and two of my brothers were coming from Utah.  Paul met me  at Sams Club for a delicious hot dog lunch.  I even dripped some mustard on my black cords.  He helped me out to the van with the groceries and children.  I kissed him good bye.  On my way home, I stopped to look at fabric for a Christmas quilt we were trying to finish up.  As I was walking around the busy store with a hungry baby and a bored three year old, my pink flip phone rang.  I didn't look to see who it was.  I just answered it.  We were making so much noise, the phone was just an added decimal level.  It was my Doctor.  She obviously was lacking the sensitivity of such big news.  Could she not hear my children crying or the sounds of a very busy store?  I was looking at fabric that portrayed a peaceful barn and red birds and fresh fallen snow.  A perfect print for the recipient of the quilt.  She blurted out, "I just got your pathology report back. You have breast cancer."  I remember looking around the store at the long line of people needing fabric cut, the smiling faces, the anticipation of beautiful Christmas gifts.  Here I was with crying kids and my world had just come to a screeching halt.  I got in that long line to cut the fabric. I felt dizzy, numb, and I wanted to throw up.  I believe the fabric cutter asked me a time or two what I needed, I finally was able to say a fourth of a yard please.  I got to the register which had yet another long line.  I paid for the fabric and out the door I ran.  I got children in the car and called Paul. I was a mess.  I have never had such a feeling of hopelessness.  So many questions that I didn't think to ask the ill mannered Doctor before I hung up the phone.  I then called my mom.  She was in shock and offered her calm voice.  I remember her saying, " Mind, we will figure this out." Go home Paul will be there.  I don't remember driving home.  Just as my mom said, Paul drove in right behind me.  We just sat and cried.  We had so many more questions.  We called the Doctor again and got more details.  Who knew that there were so many types of breast cancer?  So much medical terminology.  That night I will never forget.  We received encouraging and tender calls from our families and friends. I am sure neither of us slept much.

Our work was cut out for us. It was a time of prayer. We took several weeks to line up the Doctors that would be part of our team.  We went to many appointments until we felt like we had the team for us.  It all happened so fast after that.  I had a port placed and quickly started chemotherapy.

We made it through the chemotherapy.  We made it through an incredibly difficult surgery and reconstruction. We were told we had a complete response. That the probability of the cancer returning was nearly non-existent.  We were given such hope, confidence, and ready to jump off the cancer freeway at the very next exit.

We took the wrong exit.  I was off my maintenance drug for 14 months. In February of 2012, we found cancer in my bones,liver, and lungs.  Although we understood all things about cancer, it was still very hard to be diagnosed....again.  I knew this diagnosis was much more serious.  I heard the word Stage 4 and terminal.  This broke my heart and as I sat in the chair with Paul, I felt his heart breaking as well.  Again, I had fear, sadness, and uncertainty as I thought about our future.

Today, as I have been remembering all that has happened in the last five years, I feel peace.  I have been able to replace my fears with faith.  I have been able to replace my sadness and broken heart with love.  I have been able to place my uncertainty with the future.  I have relied on my Heavenly Father.  He knows what is best for me.  He is there.  I feel him. I feel the love he has for me and my family.  I see the many miracles that continue to come into my life.  The gifts from the angels that live all around me.  I am thankful for the peace that I can feel.

I am so thankful for all of you that have joined our journey.  For the prayers and fasting on our behalf.  The many meals that you have shared.  For the encouraging words and endless support.  I love having so many friends near and far.  How truly blessed I am to have all of you on my team. For the tenderness and the examples of service you have shown our children.  

Thank you for joining us in "Our Dance."  

Ready To Fly

We have been having many conversations about the "C" word in our home the last several weeks.  Yep, "College".  How in the world did our beautiful baby girl turn into a beautiful High School Senior?  What happened to my little girl who loved singing nursery rhymes?   We would spend hours singing these little rhymes.  All I would have to do is say the first sentence and she would finish.  She had three years to be our only child.  We had a lot of fun with her.  She has had Paul wrapped around her finger from day one.  She truly is amazing.  She has been such a gift to have in our home.  And now she is on her way wanting to fly on her own.  I'm not sure I'm ready to watch that first flight.  I watched the hawks in the fields this Summer.  I noticed when the babies were by the mother birds.  The mamas would show them how to fly, how to get their dinner, and how to return back up to the wire to sit by their family again.  Did these mother hawks have a knot in their throat too?  I bet they did, just as I have one in mine.   She should fly, its the next step in her life.  She is ready, we have taught her all she needs to know.  I hope we have done as good of job of those mother hawks I watched so carefully.

I think back to the day Paul and I brought her home.  We were so young. He helped my mom and I get her into the car seat and made sure I was doing well.  My mom and I drove Lindsey to our little apartment and Paul went to take a test at the University.   It was the first real snow storm in Logan that year.  It was quite and beautiful. I remember looking out the window wondering what was ahead for our little family.  I was thankful, nervous, hopeful, and not sure what to do with my new angel sent to our home.  We loved her, read to her, and made sure she felt safe.  We have moved across this country several times.  She has made amazing friends in Georgia.  She  was there for 8 years.  She only wishes she would have picked up that Southern drawl.  We took her to Ohio.  Again, wonderful friends who have supported her and our family.  We treasure these friendships and love our friends that we have met along the way.  She has been through a lot.  A mom with cancer, new friends, new schools, and new homes.  She has done remarkably well.  How is she so brave?  Does she know how proud we are of her and the determination and kindness she shows?  I sure hope so.

As I got my second cancer diagnosis my heart felt it was breaking in a million little pieces.  All I could think of is not being with my children when they were ready to fly.  Who was going to make sure they were really ready to go?  Who would be on the power line with her?  Would Paul have this responsibility all to himself?  I made a promise to myself that I would be there with all my children.  I am grateful that I am the mother hawk with a beautiful girl on my side standing on the wire with her as she prepares to fly.