My Bucket List

A few months ago, I was sitting in a meeting.  I had had a particularly hard day, and had decided that I was not going to go.  I really didn't want to talk to anybody.  I wanted to stay home. I was doing dishes and was talking to my handsome husband and my children.  They reminded me that I always went and supported these meetings.  I looked at their faces and knew that I should be going, I was setting an example for my girls.  I went and put on a head scarf, some fun lipstick, and out the door I went.  

As I walked into the meeting a few minutes late,  we were told to move to the two rows of chairs that were facing each other.  After we were sitting in the chairs that were facing each other, we were given a list of questions to ask the person sitting across from us.  It was a classic "get to know you" game.  I really wanted to bolt....people already knew who I was.  I didn't want to share anything.  I felt vulnerable that night.  

As they started asking me questions, they were the typical get to know you questions.  I thought to myself, get a grip....they just want to know what your favorite food, hobby, author, etc. is.   I was asked what my favorite food was.  First of all, it depends what day in my chemotherapy cycle it is to know what my favorite food was. I happened to have just had chemo. I believe I said cereal.  My staple after chemotherapy.  If I get some raspberries, or blueberries in it, I am pretty sure it is a healthy meal.  I was then asked about my hobbies..... I really don't have any. Is having chemotherapy and recovering a hobby? I sure hope so.  I have four beautiful redhead hobbies which I am thankful for.  The dark headed handsome guy who runs in and out of the house I love that hobby too.  I do like to read and bake but sometimes just keeping up with my to do list is all I have energy for.

I was feeling like this isn't so bad, I was starting to relax and enjoy talking to those who were there.  Then the question came....... What is on your bucket list?  I hadn't thought about it too much.  My first reaction was I want to go to Hawaii with my family.  This Summer I was able to go to Hawaii with my mom and my sister.  It was lovely, relaxing, and rejuvenating.  As I looked over the beautiful ocean and the majestic skies as the sun went down each night over the horizon of the ocean, I knew that I wanted to see Paul's and my children's faces as they watched the beautiful sunsets while playing in the ocean with sand between their toes.  It would be a very fun, relaxing trip for a family that has been dancing their way through breast cancer for 6 years. Some of those dances are lovely and smooth and some of those dances we are stepping on each others feet, and feeling like we don't want to dance anymore.

What is on my bucket list?  I want to see my children become who they are meant to be, I want to make sure we teach them the Gospel, that they may have strong testimonies and strong desires to choose what is right, that we may be all together for all eternity. I want them to know that Heavenly Father knows and loves them and answers prayers, I want them to be aware of the many miracles we have seen and continue to see.  I have been sent such valiant and amazing children with such strong spirits.  I am thankful for that gift I've been given.  I want to watch them when their eyes sparkle when all their dreams come true. 

I am going to keep the hope of seeing their faces as the sun sets across the sparkling blue ocean as waves wash in with the tide. 

Happy Leap Year Anniversary

Yesterday was a "red letter" day.  It was filled with all the emotions one could have.  It was on Leap Day 2012, that I was re-diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer.  February 29 hasn't been on the calendar since the day I was sitting in Dr. Faux's medical office in Logan with the news that my x-ray had shown that there were signs of cancer in my bones. We were not expecting that news.  We were told that I had a complete response. Dr. Sinaga ,in Ohio, felt like I would not have a reoccurrence, assuring us that our cancer days were in the past.  Dr. Sinaga was a lovely oncologist and I am thankful that we found her in Ohio. We choose the most aggressive treatments together.  She was supportive and kind as we had our first experience with breast cancer.  As Paul and I were leaving the Logan Hospital in tears, it felt as if our whole world was once again turning upside down.  My first thought was how were my children going to make it through this diagnosis. They had just stopped worrying about me.  This was more serious.  I felt like I was going to break their hearts one by one.

As we got into our car, I immediately called Dr. Buys at the Huntsman.  Her staff asked if I could be at the Huntsman at 2:00.  I, of course said yes.  It was already noon and I hadn't even thought through what we needed to do before we made our way to Salt Lake City.  I called my favorite savvy sister and she gathered my two youngest at their elementary school.  Paul and I went out to the middle schools to get the others.  As soon as they saw their dad in the hallway crying, they knew what was going on.  I had been in so much pain and they knew we were seeing Dr. Faux.  We met savvy sister at our townhouse.  While she made the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, we were grabbing a few necessities. We were on our way to the Huntsman in a matter of  minutes.

I do believe that our van had wings that day. We have never made a more peaceful or faster trip to the Huntsman.  When we got there, a few of my family members were waiting for us so they could be with the kids as Paul and I met with Dr. Buys and a sweet counselor. My mom and dad were there.  My little brother Greg was there with a lot of $1 bills...I was told yesterday.  Apparently, he was buying my children whatever their little hearts desired out of the vending machine.  My brother Alex showed up with his funny jokes.  When Paul and I finally walked out of the office, we were both embraced with hugs and comfort.  We couldn't talk much but knew we were supported and loved.  We spent three days in Salt Lake while my mom and siblings rallied around our family as we developed a new plan of chemotherapy and scans.

Yesterday, I tried to keep busy.  I was thinking about all the miracles our family has seen in the last 4 years.  We have been blessed with so many. As I thought about every gift, my heart felt grateful for what we have been able to experience.  For the many angels who served and continue to serve our family.  For the gift of prayer and faith.  I was holding it all together remembering the good part of our cancer journey.  

As my children came home from school yesterday, I was thankful that I was the one picking them up and greeting them as they walked in the door.  We had another lovely dinner delivered last night.  I was sitting at the table with my children.  We were talking about their memories of the last leap year.  Paul was out feeding the cows and the children and I were  just starting to  eat dinner. I expected Paul to be a little later.  It is calving season.  Many times he is longer than he thinks he will be.  Such needy ladies...(cows).  When Paul walked in and I saw him in his cute carhartt overalls, I started to cry.  I said, "I think I could use another memory of leap year".  He agreed.  He showered all the stink off of him and I got out of sweats. The children got their shoes on and we headed to Five Guys. We talked about how thankful we were as we sat around the table eating our unplanned yummy hamburgers.  There were tears, laughter, and I am happy to say that another sweet memory of leap day was made. 

Our teary family was sitting at the table after our meal was finished.  It was late and we were getting ready to go.  Our two girls and younger boy decided a bathroom visit was necessary.  Our handsome red headed 16-year old boy was sitting with us and got up to get more water. He walked up to the hi-tech Coca-Cola machine.  He pushed the water button..... but out of the corner of his eye, he saw a cute blonde teenage girl.  Needless to say, his water cup was overflowing and he turned red as he walked back to his chair. 

Paul and I smiled at each other and both said, "did you see that"?  We laughed, but my heart was touched and I was again teary with another miracle. A fabulous new memory on a leap year day.  Who would of thought that my 16-year old boy checking out a girl and spilling his water all over would be the miracle I needed last night. It was a reminder to me to continue to be faithful, courageous, and brave.  I am thankful that I was able to witness my tender teenage boy being a normal teenager.  Why wouldn't he like blonde girls?  His dad liked them too ounce upon a time.  I'm sure thankful that he did.  I will always remember the leap year day of four years ago.  I never want to replace that memory.  It was and is a part of our families plan. I just have another memory for that day now that shows me how far my amazing little family has come. I am incredibly thankful for the things we have learned together, the comfort we have been given during the hard times, for the peace we feel, and those who are always there to comfort, bless, and serve us.

GRATEFUL

I am so grateful for the Christmas Season.  I was so excited when I found out the children had an entire two weeks before Christmas at home.  I love celebrating the birth of the Savior.  It is  truly a magical time.  Our home feels more peaceful as we hustle and bustle to get ready for Christmas Day.  We break out bright Christmas puzzles and Christmas movies. Pandora plays all types of Christmas music from Fred Astaire to Jack Jackson.... we love it all.  My Handsome Husband added a new tradition this year.  We had our first designated baking day.  We spent all day making several different Christmas cookies and candies.  It was so delightful and delicious..,,,we had  to taste it all to make sure it is okay to pass on.  We had fun with the other traditions that we do each year too. It was so fun to have everybody at home without work schedules, school schedules, activities, and most of all NO HOMEWORK!

Christmas is a season of miracles.  I am so grateful for the miracles that my family and I have been blessed with during this Christmas season.  I haven't been able to find sufficient words to explain just how my grateful heart feels.

On an evening close to Christmas, Lindsey and Olivia were working on a puzzle, Brock and Handsome Husband were downstairs lifting weights and Reid and I were deciding on a movie.  I believe Elf won again. Reid and were all cozy and ready for the movie to start. As Buddy the Elf started his trek to New York City and said goodbye to Mr. Norwall, our doorbell rang.  The quite house was surprised and all of the children ran to the door. After the door was opened, we found a beautiful yellow metal basket.  As we unwrapped the yellow basket we found all things our family loves.  We found adorable head beanies which we  have loved wearing.  We found Alex & Ani bracelets that made hearts happy.  We found itunes gift cards, movie certificates, and a gift card to a very fun restaurant.  A toy for Reid that he adores.  We also found a ham, beautiful potatoes and fresh green beans.  Our Christmas dinner was delivered right on our doorstep.  As I do every year, I had worn myself out.  Oh how I wish I wouldn't tire so easily.  This gift on a cold winter night so close to Christmas day reminded me that we are not only loved and watched over by people who love us, but by our Heavenly Father who shows his love through others hands.   Thank you to the hands who reminded my of what Christmas really means.

As if that was not enough, I was blessed with another Christmas miracle.  As she usually does, my mom asked everybody for their Christmas lists.  Handsome Husband has an amazing Christmas list.....three pages of what he wants for Christmas. His # 1 wish is always a cure for cancer.  I'm right there with you Handsome.  This year I thought I would put some wishful dreamy  items on my list as well.  I wanted a new wig and had been talking about having tatooed eyebrows.  I have been stenciling on eyebrows for a long time.  I knew I would have to wait to get a wig and figured that tatooed eyebrows were just a dream. 

It was getting close to Christmas and I was running around and clicking Amazon purchase buttons trying to get everything wrapped up before my excited children were out of school.  My sweet mom would say, let me come help you.  She had been traveling and working hard, as usual, and I would just smile and say "I'm sure you are just as busy as I am getting all your shopping done. I would talk to my siblings about what they were getting for others and they all had it all done.  I remember thinking, wow!  My amazing mom and siblings were on the ball this year with their Christmas shopping.  Little did I know, they were not shopping at all.  During Thanksgiving, when we were all together in a beautiful Park City home, she came up with the most tender and sweet idea.   She and my siblings and a very special mother-in-law of my little brother Greg, decided to not buy gifts for each other for Christmas.  Their plan was that they were going to all buy me a beautiful wig and tatooed eyebrows.  I never did catch on that they weren't shopping for each other.  Everyone seemed busy in the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas.  

It was our year to spend Christmas with Handsome Husband's family.  We had our Christmas Day with our little family. It  was a relaxing day and a few of us enjoyed a Christmas slumber which is also known as a nap.  On Saturday, we spent the morning and afternoon with family in Logan.  

After spending time in Logan on Saturday, we drove to Herriman that evening.  On Sunday my mom was having a Christmas Dinner for all my family.  She said that it was time to open presents.  I assumed that they all opened their gifts on Christmas Day as their were just our presents under her beautiful flocked tree with green and red shiny ornaments on it.  The children opened their gifts.  They opened fun cozy minky blankets that matched each of their personalities.  Handsome was then given his gift.  He opened noise blocking headphones.  He could now travel to and from work without be woken up by snoring form other passengers.  What a delight!  Then came my present...... I opened a beautiful Christmas card that was attached to the lovely wrapped box.  I was reminded that I was strong, that I was beautiful, and an example, but most of all I was loved by all of them.  My heart stopped and tears began to flow as I read the card feeling all the love they had for me.  I opened the box and inside was the wig I had been looking at for months, and a beautiful homemade poster telling me that I was getting tattooed eyebrows.  They sacrificed their gifts to purchase these "wished" for items for me.  I had no words.  Thank you did not seem enough.  My heart was so tender and tears kept flowing.  They all said it was the best Christmas ever for them.   It reminded me of the Savior and  his sacrifice for all of us.  What an amazing family I have.  As they were preparing Christmas, they were doing as the Savior would do. The understood the true meaning of Christmas.  It isn't about all the gifts, It is about the celebration of the Saviors birth. What an example they are to me.  I am so Grateful for their sacrifice.  For giving me the opportunity to feel their love and the support that they all give me as I continue my cancer journey.  

Last week, I went to get my eyebrows tatooed.  I was a little nervous.  A tatoo.... I didn't know what to expect.  Their was a lovely, beautiful girl that came out of a little room that put some numbing cream on my eyebrows and I felt peace.  I didn't know that her appointment after me had been cancelled.  She was halfway done tatooing my eyebrows and asked me a simple question.  I answered and she asked if I would like tatooed eyeliner or lips.  She wanted to give me another service for free.  Again, I started tearing up and felt like thank you was not enough.  She spent four precious hours with me tatooing my eyebrows and eyeliner.  A sweet angel I had never spoke to or knew.

My heart is full of gratitude to those who made so many Christmas miracles happen.  This little thing called cancer is not easy.  It makes me tired, and sad that I cannot do all that I want to do in a day.  But as this Christmas season came and went, I could feel the love from our Heavenly Father.  He knows all of us and even knows what our trial in this life.  He puts people in our lives to be his hands.  

I was also reminded how much the Savior sacrificed for us.  My family is the perfect example of being willing to sacrifice on my behalf.  I can feel their love.  I still do not have adequate words of thankfulness, but every time I look in the mirror and see my beautiful eyebrows and walk out of the house with my "only in my dreams" wig on, I will feel their love all around me.  Their support and their hearts will always be with me.  

Detour and Fireflies

Oh, How I LOVE Summer.  The bright sun shining down on my face warming me up as if I were sitting under a palm tree on a beautiful beach. I believe that most people are happier in the Summer.  It is amazing what natural vitamin D does for the soul.  I am delighted that we are not rushing out the door trying to make it to the school bus that often comes and goes all too quickly.  I enjoy not waking up at 6 am to make lunches for my sweet children.  I am pretty sure that they are sick of home lunches as well.  Mostly, I love that my children are home.  I am one lucky mom because I am blessed to  be able to stay home with them.  My tender Brock wakes up with the roosters and starts his days early moving pipe.  I enjoy taking him early and having a quick conversation with him.  Some days, I am not sure is fully awake, but he is a good example to the rest of us.  He works hard and doesn't ever complain when he comes home soaking wet and muddy.  I am the one that complains about that.  When I see him walking out of the field all I can think about is how handsome he has become, and holy cow.... how am I ever going to keep up with his laundry and the dirt he brings with him.  The boy named Pigpen from Charlie Brown always comes to mind as he gets in the car to get to his second pipe moving job.  He loves these jobs.  I enjoy the lazy days and the crazy days.  I am so happy and relieved that Dr. Buys, my sweet oncologist, wrote a prescription for a daily Diet Coke.  Yes please!

Along with Summer, flowers and vegetable gardens bloom, as do the road construction crews.  When we see the orange vests and detour signs, we know we are going to get to our destination by using another and often times a longer route.  However, my whole attitude has changed about detours after an experience we had on one of our long, and I mean L-O-N-G drives to Utah from Ohio. 

It was evening and we were enjoying a beautiful sunset as we were driving across the beautiful rolling plains in the Midwest.  We were on I-80 going West and ready to get to the Hotel.  We had been driving for 10 hours and could see the destination getting closer and closer on our McNally Road Map.  

We were listening to a Rascal Flatts CD, our children were watching a movie and everything in our little world seemed right.  We saw a construction ahead sign as we often did.  We thought it would be a slight delay as we waited for our turn to go around the torn up road. 

As we came upon this construction zone, we immediately saw that this was not the typical stop and go road construction zone.  We were completely detoured onto a little country road.  I was so annoyed.  I couldn't even find this road on our road map. I complained and was thinking how if I were in charge of road construction, I would not completely demolish a road in the middle of June.  As I realized my attitude was contagious, and my children started to complain, I quickly had to try to make something positive out of the situation.   I told them to enjoy the scenery.  We were in the middle of acres and acres of corn fields.  Even I knew that there wasn't much to see. We had corn stalks on both sides of our Venture Mini Van.  We could not see past those tall green corn stalks full of ears of corn.  Before we knew it, the sun was setting over the corn field.  It was one of the most beautiful sunsets that I have ever seen. After the sun was completely down and night fell, we saw a magical light show.  Not fireworks, nor stars, but by little magical flying bugs called fireflies. I believe we saw millions of fireflies in those acres of corn.  Had we not had that detour, our family would not have had the opportunity of being amazed by the beautiful fireflies as they shared their little lights they had to make a magical night for us.  I am thankful for that detour and think about it often. 

I am reminded that we have detours in our everyday lives.  Sometimes life doesn't seem to be what we thought it would be.  We have plans and ideas of what will become of our families and ourselves. These detours that come our way can be incredibly hard, even making our world stop for a few moments.  Even though they are unexpected and most times confusing, frightening, and often life altering,  I have come to realize that detours are not thrown at us for punishment, or because we are not good enough.  They come because they help us become who we need to be. 

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I cried and I was terrified.  I thought why is this happening to me.  I was enjoying raising my children, I was supporting my hard working handsome husband.  I was having a pity party.  I am not proud of that.  My mom flew out for Thanksgiving, just days after I was diagnosed.  I was crying as I was getting dressed and I said, "why am I being punished?"  She looked straight at me and said, "you sweetheart are not being punished.  You are going to learn so much."  She was right.  I have learned so much about myself, my family, and everybody around me.  We have seen so many miracles.  We have had people rally around our family. We have witnessed so much service from so many kind people.  We have had our house decked out in Christmas lights from some sweet someone who nominated our family.  We have had unexpected funds show up in our mailbox, we have had so many warm, delicious meals delivered to our home.  I could go on and on with examples of loving service we have received.  My children have been blessed to see all that has been done for our family as we dance through our new way of life.

I have also realized that every day is a gift.  I don't have the energy I would like to have.  I often get just a few things done on my long list. I have learned that family is most important.  These relationships will follow us throughout eternity. The laundry, the cleaning, the daily stuff that we all strive to get done can wait.  Children grow.  They only sit in your lap and want to be read to for a short time.  They only talk to you in spurts, and when they do, I try to make sure I put down what I am doing and listen. I've learned that I am blessed.

I haven't always enjoyed this detour, but I have been able to see everybody sharing their light just as the fireflies did that magical June night.


  

Unexpected

I woke up to this little treasure a few weeks ago.

You're Strong

Every morning you get up even though your 

body yearns for more rest.

 You make sure that I get to school,

and that I get their "handsomely" dressed.

In the evening, even though you're tired

and even when you're sore,

You most always make dinner for at least six people

sometimes even more.

If it weren't for you, I'd be tired at school,

Because you make sure going to bed is a rule.

Theses are just a few examples,

things that I could make rhyme,

But just remember you're strong and bold, 

and loving all of the time.

 - You're Loving Son

Thank you Brock for such a sweet poem. 

He has no idea how many times I get the folded paper out and read it.  It makes my heart melt.  He knows how hard my days can be.  He is constantly watching me to make sure I am okay.  When I am in tears, feeling like I just can't do another day, I hear his words and they give me courage.  I remember why I get out of bed, get dressed, and be the best I can be.  We are only required to do our best.  His words make me a little better everyday.

Merry and Bright

Sometimes we forget to look around and see all the happiness we have in our lives. Often we forget to share our light.  In reality, we all have so much to be thankful for.

 I had chemotherapy last week. I have chemotherapy treatments every 4 weeks.  This is fantastic!  It gives me three whole weeks feeling somewhat normal and functional. I was sitting in the chair all hooked up and could feel the coldness as the saline and medicine rushed into my veins.  I started thinking about our last few Christmas celebrations.  I found myself not being able to remember a lot of details.  In 2012, my brain was still recovering from whole brain radiation.  In 2013, I was having chemotherapy every 2 weeks.  I had a  serious case of chemo brain. It felt so foggy and it was hard to focus.   It bothered me.  I remembered a little here and there.  I wondered if my children noticed by mental absence.  I can go through motions, pretend I'm feeling great and just keep going.  Buy when if comes to remembering, I just can't come up with details.  The special times we had together and the conversations we had about Christ and his birth are what I want to remember.  

This year, I feel so much better mentally and physically.  I don't feel the burden of the unknown with the question that every stage 4 cancer patient has.  When will this drug stop working?  What will be next?  What happens when we can't find another solution?  How are we going to financially do this again? This year I have been more focused on finding peace and making this little thing called cancer allow me to become who our Heavenly Father knows I can be.  Only he knows my plan.  I am okay with that now.  I have so much more faith and peace then I have ever had.  I hope that my children will see what faith and prayer can do.  Miracles present themselves in so many ways.

Yesterday I got a call.  Our family had been nominated to have our house decorated with Christmas lights from a local business called Christmas Decor.  We were chosen.  Tears flowed as I was trying to make appointments for them to come take a look at our house and make necessary plans.  They will be back next Wednesday.  I think our house may look like the "Griswalds". How exciting is that!  Hopefully Uncle Eddie will not show up in is RV. I told the children last night and they were so excited.  Thank you to the people who nominated our family for such a special Christmas season.

It is fun to be out and about in the Holiday bustle.  But we need to remember what the first gift of Christmas was.  It was Christ our Savior.  For that I will be eternally thankful for.

As we make memories with those we love this Holiday Season, let's make sure we treasure them.  May we make the season Merry and Bright for those whom we associate with. Someone special has made our holiday Bright.  For this I am grateful. I will always remember this special Christmas.

The Day Our World Stopped

I will never forget where I was, what I was wearing, or what I was doing on the day our world stopped.  Five years ago today, I had such great plans.  We lived in Ohio.  Reid was three and I had a 6 week old baby that I was watching for a few weeks.  I packed up the children and went to Sams Club.  We needed new silverware for Thanksgiving Dinner.  My parents and two of my brothers were coming from Utah.  Paul met me  at Sams Club for a delicious hot dog lunch.  I even dripped some mustard on my black cords.  He helped me out to the van with the groceries and children.  I kissed him good bye.  On my way home, I stopped to look at fabric for a Christmas quilt we were trying to finish up.  As I was walking around the busy store with a hungry baby and a bored three year old, my pink flip phone rang.  I didn't look to see who it was.  I just answered it.  We were making so much noise, the phone was just an added decimal level.  It was my Doctor.  She obviously was lacking the sensitivity of such big news.  Could she not hear my children crying or the sounds of a very busy store?  I was looking at fabric that portrayed a peaceful barn and red birds and fresh fallen snow.  A perfect print for the recipient of the quilt.  She blurted out, "I just got your pathology report back. You have breast cancer."  I remember looking around the store at the long line of people needing fabric cut, the smiling faces, the anticipation of beautiful Christmas gifts.  Here I was with crying kids and my world had just come to a screeching halt.  I got in that long line to cut the fabric. I felt dizzy, numb, and I wanted to throw up.  I believe the fabric cutter asked me a time or two what I needed, I finally was able to say a fourth of a yard please.  I got to the register which had yet another long line.  I paid for the fabric and out the door I ran.  I got children in the car and called Paul. I was a mess.  I have never had such a feeling of hopelessness.  So many questions that I didn't think to ask the ill mannered Doctor before I hung up the phone.  I then called my mom.  She was in shock and offered her calm voice.  I remember her saying, " Mind, we will figure this out." Go home Paul will be there.  I don't remember driving home.  Just as my mom said, Paul drove in right behind me.  We just sat and cried.  We had so many more questions.  We called the Doctor again and got more details.  Who knew that there were so many types of breast cancer?  So much medical terminology.  That night I will never forget.  We received encouraging and tender calls from our families and friends. I am sure neither of us slept much.

Our work was cut out for us. It was a time of prayer. We took several weeks to line up the Doctors that would be part of our team.  We went to many appointments until we felt like we had the team for us.  It all happened so fast after that.  I had a port placed and quickly started chemotherapy.

We made it through the chemotherapy.  We made it through an incredibly difficult surgery and reconstruction. We were told we had a complete response. That the probability of the cancer returning was nearly non-existent.  We were given such hope, confidence, and ready to jump off the cancer freeway at the very next exit.

We took the wrong exit.  I was off my maintenance drug for 14 months. In February of 2012, we found cancer in my bones,liver, and lungs.  Although we understood all things about cancer, it was still very hard to be diagnosed....again.  I knew this diagnosis was much more serious.  I heard the word Stage 4 and terminal.  This broke my heart and as I sat in the chair with Paul, I felt his heart breaking as well.  Again, I had fear, sadness, and uncertainty as I thought about our future.

Today, as I have been remembering all that has happened in the last five years, I feel peace.  I have been able to replace my fears with faith.  I have been able to replace my sadness and broken heart with love.  I have been able to place my uncertainty with the future.  I have relied on my Heavenly Father.  He knows what is best for me.  He is there.  I feel him. I feel the love he has for me and my family.  I see the many miracles that continue to come into my life.  The gifts from the angels that live all around me.  I am thankful for the peace that I can feel.

I am so thankful for all of you that have joined our journey.  For the prayers and fasting on our behalf.  The many meals that you have shared.  For the encouraging words and endless support.  I love having so many friends near and far.  How truly blessed I am to have all of you on my team. For the tenderness and the examples of service you have shown our children.  

Thank you for joining us in "Our Dance."  

Ready To Fly

We have been having many conversations about the "C" word in our home the last several weeks.  Yep, "College".  How in the world did our beautiful baby girl turn into a beautiful High School Senior?  What happened to my little girl who loved singing nursery rhymes?   We would spend hours singing these little rhymes.  All I would have to do is say the first sentence and she would finish.  She had three years to be our only child.  We had a lot of fun with her.  She has had Paul wrapped around her finger from day one.  She truly is amazing.  She has been such a gift to have in our home.  And now she is on her way wanting to fly on her own.  I'm not sure I'm ready to watch that first flight.  I watched the hawks in the fields this Summer.  I noticed when the babies were by the mother birds.  The mamas would show them how to fly, how to get their dinner, and how to return back up to the wire to sit by their family again.  Did these mother hawks have a knot in their throat too?  I bet they did, just as I have one in mine.   She should fly, its the next step in her life.  She is ready, we have taught her all she needs to know.  I hope we have done as good of job of those mother hawks I watched so carefully.

I think back to the day Paul and I brought her home.  We were so young. He helped my mom and I get her into the car seat and made sure I was doing well.  My mom and I drove Lindsey to our little apartment and Paul went to take a test at the University.   It was the first real snow storm in Logan that year.  It was quite and beautiful. I remember looking out the window wondering what was ahead for our little family.  I was thankful, nervous, hopeful, and not sure what to do with my new angel sent to our home.  We loved her, read to her, and made sure she felt safe.  We have moved across this country several times.  She has made amazing friends in Georgia.  She  was there for 8 years.  She only wishes she would have picked up that Southern drawl.  We took her to Ohio.  Again, wonderful friends who have supported her and our family.  We treasure these friendships and love our friends that we have met along the way.  She has been through a lot.  A mom with cancer, new friends, new schools, and new homes.  She has done remarkably well.  How is she so brave?  Does she know how proud we are of her and the determination and kindness she shows?  I sure hope so.

As I got my second cancer diagnosis my heart felt it was breaking in a million little pieces.  All I could think of is not being with my children when they were ready to fly.  Who was going to make sure they were really ready to go?  Who would be on the power line with her?  Would Paul have this responsibility all to himself?  I made a promise to myself that I would be there with all my children.  I am grateful that I am the mother hawk with a beautiful girl on my side standing on the wire with her as she prepares to fly. 

True Cancer Warrior

Last Spring I was asked to contact a patient who was also fighting her battle with breast cancer.  She had a complete different type of breast cancer than I have.  Her chemo had stopped working.  She was in and out of the Dr. office trying to find something that would work for her type of cancer.  She was willing to try anything. She was brave, kind, and in love with her children and husband.  I last heard from her at the end of June.  Last week I was wondering what happened to this dear sweet women.  

I googled her name and my heart broke into little pieces.  There was her picture and life story.  She was absolutely beautiful.  Her eyes full of love and light. Her battle is over. She fought such an incredible fight.  Having faith all the way to the end that something may work for her body to rid itself from those naughty cancer cells.

I think about her often.  I am quite sure she is with her family everyday.  Watching, interfering, and helping as all mothers will do.

It has been a renewing of perspective.  What really matters?  I feel like tucking in my 8 year old and piling his friends named Dots, Dino, Cat in the hat, and Sleep monkey under his arms and wrapping them all tight with his blanket named blue is a privilege.  I'm thankful for my 11 year old beauty who still wants a kiss and hug before bed each night.  Before I leave her room, I sometimes get another little thought of hers in the quite darkness and I walk out even more in love with her.  I love that my teenage boy will make time to talk to me.  That he will come lay down by me and talk about life and all the opportunities he has in his life and what he wants to do with them.  I have been blessed with a beautiful young women.  She is such an example to me.  She works hard, is caring about others. I love waiting up for her when she is out and how she shares so much of herself with me.  

 I love my husband.  His hard work, the support he gives to all of us, and most of all his tender heart.  

I also have such amazing family friends. This is what life is really about, relationships.  It's not facebook, instagram, pinterest, and running here and there with kids and parents overwhelmed.  I love the quiet times when we gather at the end of each day.  If the laundry is not done, and the house is still not decorated  how I want it (a year later) really does not matter.  

Love Matters.  May the family of this true cancer warrior find peace.  May they stay close and find hope in what lays ahead.  A place where their wife and mother will not be in pain.   Where she will be able to do whatever her heart desires. And in the meantime, may they be able to feel her with them.

Fiesta Angels

Friday was my special day, "Chemo Day".  I call them special because I am really good at getting chemo infused into my body.  Never has my blood count been too low. These blood tests I always pass.  I don't even need to study.  This is a good thing, I talked my way through school.  Yes, I have been called a butterfly a time or two.  Blessing or curse?  I am going with blessing.

I was not feeling well on Saturday.  I would have loved to stay in bed all day.  Although, when I do that, I end up a little "blue".  My sweet mom was here.  She had some errands to run at the mall.  Olivia was going with her.  My boys were with their dad at his "hobby" cattle farm.  I had no reason not to get up and get dressed and spend some time with my mom and my adorable Olivia.  As we were finishing up her errands, I saw the new store that opened in our little small town mall. I found a few cute dresses for Olivia that we just couldn't pass up.  They were actually cute and long enough for her and on SALE.  Yeah!  While in line to check out, I noticed all the Fiesta Ware they had in stock.  I was distracted and wandered over to the table where it was all displayed.  I was admiring the tumblers with all their bold stripes that would match my Fiesta colors so well.  I put them down and walked away.  

On Monday, as I was driving home, my neighbor waved me down.  He said,"I have a package that someone dropped off for you.  They got the wrong house."  It was a heavy box. I was perplexed as to what this could be and from whom?  The box was wrapped and had writing on it that said,"To: Mindy M".  I walked in the kitchen and  tore it open.  To my surprise, there were 9 Fiesta Tumblers with all their perfectly striped stripes staring back at me.  I was teary.  I do not know who delivered exactly what my heart  needed that day. I call them Fiesta Fairies who made a really hard, yucky chemo weekend so much sweeter.

Keepin' It Lite

I love Friday afternoons.  I always have.  I remember leaving the high school parking lot with my early 90's hair.  It was permed, hair-sprayed, and very big hair. Yes, I had hair....lots of it.  I got in my little black and pink pinstriped pontiac fiero and raced out of there.  Literally.  With a smile on my face and my hair in the wind. I had no cares in the world.  I am quite certain I had White Snake or Def Leppard blaring.  Speakers in the head rest.  Brilliant!!!  I loved my set of wheels.

Today I noticed that when each of my children walked through our door, they had smiles on their faces.  They threw their backpacks down, and sat up for a snack. They always have so much to say on Friday afternoons.  They are relaxed and we laugh and share stories.

As I was going through Reid's homework folder, I saw the paragraph that he had been working on at school all week.  It goes like this:

Cats
By Reid Marchant

You will learn about cats.  Lets get started.  Some cats can be dumb.  They like to chase dragonflies.  You can throw kittens like a football.  Some cats can be little devils like some one I know had to throw one off of him.  Now you know about cats.

We were in the kitchen reading this paragraph.  We were all laughing so hard and he had so much to say about his dislike for cats.  We were all nearly crying.....  I love having children who share and make our home fun.  For a moment, I was that teenager with the wind through my hair listening to Def Leppard with not a care in the world.

Chutes and Ladders

We all remember the favorite childhood game Chutes and Ladders.  I remember playing it with my siblings and then again with my own children.  I was asked to email another young mom with breast cancer.  As I was thinking how to relate cancer to our lives, this game kept coming to mind.  

Just like the little people who we move on the game board, we are all wanting to move ahead.  We all have plans, we are all searching for the best way to climb our "ladders".  We are busy making choices everyday about how we spend our time.  We care for our children, husbands, our loved ones.  We have dreams for our future.  Often times, just when we are stretching to grasp that very last step on the ladder, we are dealt a shiny little card that says, "not this time", and we spiral down the chute.  

I relate to this game.  Having metastatic breast cancer is a lot like chutes and ladders.  Most times I am doing well.  I am climbing my ladder and my chemotherapy drugs are working.  I am getting sleep and home life is running somewhat normal......our "new"normal.  And then, B-A-M, just like that, you have a scan that shows new growth, or my cancer antigen numbers are rising and we can not figure out why.  And now, I  am falling down that darn chute again.

I don't feel like this only relates to cancer.  I love the quote, "Be kind,everyone you meet is facing a battle." Perhaps, I am the lucky one.   My battle is  easy for others to see.  With my head scarves, my wigs, and when I feel really brave, my little bald head.

Let us be sure to be kind to everyone today as we are all climbing up our ladders.  Most importantly, let us catch those who are on their way down their chute. 

Pioneer

I've been thinking about the Summer that our family just shared.  The word pioneer has been on my mind so much.  Our Summer came and went so quickly, as most summers do.  This summer was so busy and full of many lessons.  

I had a birthday this summer, on pioneer day.  To me this is a gift. I am a pioneer with a new breast cancer drug that it working so well to fight off those nasty cancer cells.  I just wish I wasn't so darn tired at 8:00 every single night.  I am continually trying to be brave and courageous. Mostly, I just want to be enchanting. 

Paul, Lindsey, and Brock truly did have a pioneer experience.  They had the opportunity of actually going on Trek with our Ward this Summer.  There was a lot of grumbling from our teenagers,  and hours of conversations about why they had to go.  They felt like they have their own hardships, why would they dress up and pretend they were pioneers.  They would say, mom, those pioneers didn't have it easy, but neither do we.  We have to face things those early pioneers couldn't even dream about.  I understand their plea....I've seen the halls at their schools, I have heard the songs on the radio, I have seen the advertisements that are in front of them every single day.  I also understand that as we fight together as I go through breast cancer, it can sometimes feel lonely and scary for them.  

They were assigned a name of a pioneer to walk for.  They were able to learn about their history, where they were from, their family dynamics and how they felt as they crossed those bitterly cold plains without enough food, clothing, or supplies. They had a new perspective as they were on the same trail and shared their stories with the others in the group.  

I am just so sad that I could not be their to watch.  I had every intention of going.  Why shouldn't I?  As time came closer, I understood why.  Those long hot days would not be good for me.  I didn't want to risk my health and the rest of my summer with my family.    It broke my heart that I could not be their with Paul and my children.  I know that they had their testimonies strengthened.  For that, I am thankful

Olivia is in a new school.  Pioneering her way through new teachers, friends, and classrooms.  Her days start early and she gets up and ready without  complaining.....she truly is a little fighter.  She makes things work and isn't afraid to change them if they aren't. 

Reid is getting baptized Saturday. I am grateful for the opportunity to be here with him to witness it.  Another tender mercy that I have been given.  He is so strong and confident.  I know he will be a pioneer as he grows.  He is such a teacher of goodness even at this young age.

 We are all pioneers as we are thrown into situations that we aren't sure about.  But just as the early pioneers who came across those dusty treacherous plains, we have angels watching over and helping us. We are never alone.